So you want to write a badfic
by Advocaat
Summary: A step-by-step guide to writing terrible fanfiction: Zutara edition.
1. Chapter 1

So, you wanna write a badfic... Zutara Edition! (Because I love these babies so much.)

This is a parody and it is in no way meant to be taken seriously. Unless you want to. Do whatever you want, kid. I ain't stoppin' ya.

* * *

Okay, so before we get started, you're gonna need a title. Something vague and painfully generic. Bonus points if it's redundant.

**New Beginnings**

Perfect. Okay, now pick a character to start out with. Don't worry, you'll be switching perspectives _a lot_. Oh, you're a girl, eh? Katara it is.

Now, sit back and enjoy as I demonstrate how to write THE BEST FANFIC EVER in a simple, step-by-step fashion.

**Step One: Artfully turn a perfectly good and well-developed character into a Mary-Sue.**

Katara sat in front of her computer—(because this is a modern AU, but I didn't warn you about that in the summary)—and carefully examined the strings of binary text zipping Matrix-style across her screen. Katara was a genius programmer (because what she's doing is obviously programming. Hey, I'm not getting paid to do research). She'd begun writing code when she was ten years old as a way to cope with the death of her mother. (But why would she turn to programming when there are countless other methods of coping that make far more sense, you ask? Look, my job isn't to explain shit to you, it's to tell a story. Now sit the fuck down and enjoy your crappy-ass fanfiction.)

**Step Two: Take a crap all over your character's relationship with their family in order to raise appeal. **

Katara lived with her two remaining family members; her father and her brother. (Kanna was either ignored or forgotten, but I doubt anyone will notice anyway.) Ever since her mother's death, Katara had been distant with her family. They just couldn't understand the depths of her pain at losing someone so important to her. (See, this here is first class bullshit. Use lots of this.)

Suddenly, Katara's bedroom door burst open and her noisy older brother, Sokka, entered.

"Hey, Katara!" he greeted with a grin.

"What do you want, Sokka? I'm busy," Katara said, her fingers now flying Star Trek-style across her keyboard.

"I just came to tell you that Dad's leaving for a week to go to a conference in Huston—(because they live in America like me)—so you'll be on your own this week."

Katara sighed. Sokka was always spending the night at his various girlfriends' houses. She doubted she'd see much of him this week. "Thanks for the heads up. Now get out of my room."

Sokka made a mock-wounded expression. "Hey, don't be bitter just because I'm getting some and you're not."

"Piss off, Sokka."

Sokka flounced out of her room, not even bothering to shut her door behind him. Her brother could be such a twerp. Sometimes Katara wished she had been born an only child.

**Step Three: Make sure to describe exactly what every character is wearing in painful detail. **

Katara looked at her clock and saw that it read 7:15 AM. "Shit! I'm gonna be late!" (I know canon!Katara never swore at all, but this is cool, independent!Katara.) She closed her laptop and went to her closet, undressing and donning a black and red plaid pleated skirt with black lace trim and a ripped, black Hot Topic T-shirt (because she's alternative like me). She pulled on a pair of over-the-knee black socks and finished the outfit with a pair of red Converse All-Stars (because she's hip, too). Katara was gorgeous, but she didn't pay much attention to her appearance. She didn't care what she looked like (clear lie, considering how carefully coordinated the outfit I just described is) and she didn't give a rip what anybody thought of her.

She quickly left her house and began running towards her school. (Even though she's in America and her school would likely have a school bus system, we're going to pretend this is Japan and have everybody walk to school instead.)

**Step Four: The fateful encounter. **

Katara had almost reached the school when she turned a corner and bumped into a firm, muscly chest and fell to the ground. (How she could tell that this chest was firm and muscly when she'd only briefly made contact with it isn't important.) She landed on her butt hard and her bag fell onto the concrete next to her. She looked up and her eyes landed on the man she'd hit.

(Awright! This is what we've been waiting for, so really go for it!)

He was tall and absolutely gorgeous. He appeared to be just a few years older than her, with dark, shaggy—but amazingly sexy—hair and pale skin. He wore a black ACDC T-shirt and artfully worn-looking jeans that had a rip in the right knee. He also had on a pair of black Converse (because that's the only kind of shoe we care about). Katara looked into his eyes and saw that they were the most dazzling gold color she'd ever seen. (Somehow she can perfectly make out the color of his eyes from the ground.) Even the scar over his left eye was sexy and added an air of mystery to him. (-Line taken from every Zuko fanfiction ever.)

**[Insert sudden perspective change!]**

**Now, at this point we need to decide whether this is Jerk!Zuko or Sensitive!Zuko. But no need to worry about it ****too**** much because both options will inevitably lead to SexGod!Zuko. How about we just go with slightly-aloof!Zuko for now.**

Zuko looked down at the girl sprawled on the ground in front of him. His first instinct was to yell at the person who had so rudely smashed into him, but when he saw her, the words died in his mouth. The girl had the most amazing sapphire eyes he'd ever seen. They seemed to stare straight into his soul. (This line is mandatory. It doesn't matter that it makes no sense because Katara was obviously just checking him out physically and has yet to spare a thought for the kind of person he is.)

"...Are you okay?" he asked after a sufficient amount of time of staring into each other's eyes.

The girl picked herself up and patted dirt off the back of her skirt. "Um, yeah, I'm fine," she answered, grabbing her bag off the ground. She pulled out her cell phone and checked the time. "Fuck!" she swore, and with a quick apology for bumping into him, she raced off toward the school building two blocks away.

Zuko watched her leave in silence. What a weird girl. Could she be a student at the high school he'd just transferred to?

**Step Five: Finish your chapter with a nice abrupt ending. You want to make it abundantly clear to the reader that you ran out of patience with writing and wanted to post your shiny new chapter as quickly as possible. **

Zuko readjusted his bag and began walking to the school, ready to start his new life.

* * *

Wow! What a great chapter! Now, this is part where you beg for reviews. A truly great badfic author will even hold his or her fic hostage until they get a certain number of reviews. Usually with a comment like this:

**This is my first fanfic ever and I need feedback so I won't update till I get 20 reviews k thanx!**

Excellent.

And best of all, the brilliant thing about being a badfic author is that unlike other authors, you need not feel any obligation to even continue your story. If you want to leave your fic hanging at one chapter for all eternity, feel free. The world can't bring you down!

This has been a simple guide to writing terrible fanfiction, by Advocaat. Thank you for reading and I hope you found these steps helpful. Join me again next time for Part 2! (Maybe.)

**Author's Note** (for real this time):

Hi, guys. It's been a while. Sorry about my recent lack of Zutara fanfiction.

This guide was meant as a work of humor, and any relation to any existing work is purely unintentional (but not entirely coincidental, given the its parodical nature). I myself have fallen victim to many of the traps described here during my time as a writer on FFnet. The proof still exists, if you look at my older works.

This guide was a product of boredom while sitting at my desk at work. I may continue it if the mood strikes. Who knows. That's assuming I didn't offend anyone too badly. Heh.

Peace out!

Advocaat


	2. Chapter 2

A super special thanks to all the people who left comments on Part 1. I wasn't really expecting to get so much feedback. Especially so soon after posting. I'm particularly surprised by the fact that the feedback was overwhelmingly positive. But you guys are right, I'm pretty much the best ever. *buffs nails on shirt*

Continuing right where we left off...

* * *

So, you wanna write a badfic... **Part 2**

Alright! You've posted your first chapter and received a few reviews and you're pumped to keep going. Only problem is, you're not sure how to proceed. Well, worry not, for I have witnessed your plight and extended the guide.

Before we get started, listen carefully because this is important. Any badfic author knows that if you're gonna write a multi-chaptered fic, there's one crucial element that you absolutely, positively _cannot_ forget...

**Step Six: OCs. Lots of OCs. Bountiful OCs. **

Katara managed to arrive just before the bell. She entered her first period classroom and was greeted by her best friend, Kaitlynn. (Now, we could have used somebody who's actually Katara's friend in canon here, like Aang or Toph or Suki or even Yue, but naaaw.) "Hey, Lynn," Katara greeted back. (For some reason I went through the trouble of telling you that Lynn's full name is Kaitlynn even though you'll never see it used ever again from this point on.)

Lynn was one of Katara's oldest friends. She had fiery red hair (is this even A:TLA anymore?) and bright green eyes. She wore dark gray skinny jeans and black combat boots (this is the only acceptable footwear other than Converse) and a black T-shirt that had "Bite Me" written on it.

"How's your latest project coming along?" Lynn asked, referring to Katara's programming.

Katara sat down at the desk next to her friend. "It should be done soon. My dad and brother are gonna be gone all week, so I'll have plenty of uninterrupted time to work on it."

**Step Seven: Character bashing is a must. Especially bashing for no apparent reason. **

"Oh, you're working on something? Mind sharing?"

Katara narrowed her eyes at the new voice. It belonged to Suki, the fakest bitch in school. Katara hated Suki. Sokka had dated her on and off, and to Katara's annoyance, they were currently 'on'. It sickened Katara to know that this girl was who Sokka was screwing every night. (Here would be a good place to explain Katara's clear disdain for Suki, especially considering that Suki is a friend and valued teammate of Katara's in the canon, but meeeh.)

"No. Buzz off," Katara retorted, turning her chair so that her back was to the other girl.

**Step Eight: Predictability is your cow. Milk that shit. **

The teacher walked into the room then and clapped his hands, getting the students' attention. "Listen up, kids," he called as the murmuring in the room petered out. "Today we're going to start our unit on eukaryotes." Some students groaned at this. "But before that, I have to introduce a new member to your class."

The door opened, and in walked a very familiar figure.

_It's that guy from earlier! _Katara thought to herself, surprised that the same boy she'd collided with on her way to school would be transferring into her class.

**Step Nine: No, really. **_**Milk that shit**_**. **

"This is Zuko Agni. He just transferred here from Sozin High," the teacher explained. He turned to Zuko then. "Would you like to introduce yourself?"

The boy stepped forward and his eyes immediately locked with Katara's. "Hi," he said in his deep, sexy voice—(what do you mean Dante Basco doesn't sound like that?)—"my name's Zuko. Nice to meet you."

The teacher waited a moment, but Zuko didn't continue. "Alright," he said, taking charge again. "Well, there appears to be an empty seat right there." He pointed at the desk in front of Katara. "So how about we make that your seat from here on."

Katara gulped as Zuko nodded and made his way over to the place where she was sitting. He nodded to her and then pulled out the chair from his new desk and sat down.

**It just occurred to me that I'm putting too much effort into my writing. A good badfic writer knows to keep it elementary and not include ****extraneous**** details like...well, any at all, really. —unless it's to describe 1) clothing, 2) how sexy someone is, or 3) interactions (ie, longing gazes, smiles, etc.) between the characters we care about.**

**I shall now fix this problem by removing all unneeded details from the preceding paragraphs. **

The teacher got the students' attention. "Listen up, kids! Today we're going to start our unit on eukaryotes. But before that, I have to introduce a new member to your class."

A very familiar figure walked into the room.

_It's that guy from earlier! _Katara thought, surprised.

"This is Zuko Agni. He just transferred here from Sozin High. Would you like to introduce yourself?"

The boy's eyes locked with Katara's. "Hi," he said in his deep, sexy voice. "My name's Zuko. Nice to meet you."

"Alright. Well, there appears to be an empty seat right there." The teacher pointed at the desk in front of Katara. "So how about we make that your seat from here on."

Katara gulped as Zuko walked over to the place where she was sitting. He nodded at her and sat down.

**Much better. **

**[Insert awkward transition]**

Later that day, Katara and Lynn were walking to their usual lunch spot and talking about the new boy. (See, everything else in their lives is unimportant in the face of the sexy man-treat that is Zuko, so we can just skip over that stuff.)

"I wonder why he transferred?" Katara pondered.

"I don't know. He's so mysterious," Lynn answered. (There is not actually anything particularly mysterious about Zuko as he has been described up till now, but a good badfic writer doesn't have a problem with getting a little ahead of his/herself from time to time.)

**Step 10: (See steps 8 and 9.)**

Just then, they saw the hot new student walking toward them, lunch in hand. He appeared to be headed to the same spot where they usually ate.

The two of them walked over to him and Lynn cleared her throat. "Um, hi. Zuko, right?"

He nodded. "Yeah. And you are?

"Name's Lynn."

Zuko looked at Katara and the sapphire-eyed girl felt a flutter in her chest at the intensity of his liquid gold gaze. "And you?"

"Katara," she answered, getting lost in his eyes. (This is another necessary line. Use frequently.) "Um, sorry about before."

**Step 11: Your couple isn't believable unless they are perfectly compatible in every single way. **

Zuko shrugged. "It's fine. I can take a little damage as long as my computer is okay." He opened his bag and pulled out a laptop.

Katara's eyes widened. "Wow, that's a nice PC," she remarked. She recognized the model. It was even more powerful than her own.

"Yeah, I spend a lot of time on it," Zuko said, patting it fondly.

"What do you do?" she asked curiously.

"I write code, mainly. It's my hobby."

**Okay, this is getting long and we're getting impatient again. Refer back to Step Five and let's close this shit. **

Katara's interest was peaked. (Should actually be 'piqued', but we don't have time to verify our word choice. I know we're all very busy people.) "Hey, me too! What sort of stuff do you write?"

Zuko smiled, clearly pleased to meet someone else like him. "How about you come by my place later and I'll show you," he suggested.

Katara excitedly agreed. She couldn't wait!

* * *

Wow! What a totally believable chain of events. Give yourself a pat on the back. That was a great chapter. In fact, you're so excited to hear how much your readers loved your chapter that you're going to hold your story hostage again for even more reviews. Here is an example of a typical second chapter ransom note:

**I hope you liked chapter 2! I worked really hard, so please review! Remember, I won't update until 20 people review, so make sure you do! ;)**

Spiffy! Now you're on the road to being a truly great badfic writer. Keep up the awesome work!

I'll see you again in Part 3! (a veeery heavy maybe)

* * *

**Real Author's Note:**

Dear lord, you have no idea how painful it was to write this. I had to stop several times and ask myself "Why am I doing this, again?" but then I'd strengthen my resolve and soldier on. I wanted to give up so hardcore. You don't even know. I could feel my soul die a little with every word.

I may or may not continue this still. I really don't know. I guess we'll see. It is fun, despite the agony.

Till next time,

Advocaat


	3. Chapter 3

My lord, I can't believe I actually received over forty reviews for this. You're not supposed to actually obey the ransom notes, you fools. (But I appreciate your comments all the same. :D)

Because I'm truly impressed by all the positive feedback I've received, I've decided to add another chapter. Gosh, I'm swell.

* * *

So, you wanna write a badfic... **Part 3**

Look at you go! Two chapters in and you're just getting started! You still have so much to offer and your fingers are _itching_ to write, I know. So, just for you, I've once again extended the guide.

Now, I know that you're pretty pleased with yourself—and you should be! You're doing an awesome job and your reviewers love you. However, now that you're three chapters in, you're beginning to realize that your shiny wonderfic is missing something. Something important. Something crucial.

**Step 12: Whoops! We forgot the plot. Better throw something together quick.**

Katara sat through her afternoon classes with a happy smile on her face. She still couldn't believe the new kid shared so many of her interests. (Programming, Converse... Right, all two of them.) She was more than excited to see what kinds of projects Zuko was working on with that juiced-up laptop of his. Anyone with that kind of technology clearly knew what they were doing. (Because I sure as hell don't.)

She was so caught up in her excitement that at the end of the day when she was dumping her textbooks in her locker and getting ready to meet Zuko at the front gate, she almost missed the sound of her cellphone's ringtone from inside her bag. (This is where badfic writers usually insert their own favorite song for the character's ringtone, but I don't really have one, so we'll just say it's the My Little Pony theme song.) Quickly snapping out of her thoughts, she fumbled in her bag for the phone. She found it after about the fourth ring and hurriedly pressed the button to accept the call.

"Hello?"

"_Good afternoon, Katara_," greeted a smooth voice through the phone's speaker. "_I'm calling to check in on the status of the program we, er..._commissioned_ you for three weeks ago._"

Katara stiffened. _What? Why would they...?_ This wasn't right. She'd been given a month and a half for this project, and the organization never called until the week before the due date. Why was she receiving the call now? "Isn't this a little early?" she questioned the man on the other end of the line.

"_Ah, so it is, so it is,_" he agreed, his voice almost pleasant. But Katara wouldn't be fooled by his tone. These people were not nice or pleasant in the least. "_You'll forgive me for calling a bit early... As you know, this program is quite important for our organization and we just want to make sure that there aren't any problems that might delay its completion._"

Katara frowned. Was the organization questioning her ability? "Of course not," she replied firmly but still politely. "Your program will be completed and delivered on time as requested."

"_Excellent. We'll be in touch._"

There was a soft click and the line went dead.

Katara exhaled a sigh of relief and slipped her phone back into her bag. She hated dealing with those people. The sooner she completed this project, the sooner she would be done with them. For a while, anyway. They always came calling again after a month or two.

**Oh my god! I'm **_**so**_** sorry. I completely got ahead of myself again. That was **_**far**_** too much detail for a scene in a badfic. Give me a sec and I'll fix it. **

**[Edited]** She was so caught up in her excitement about going home with the gorgeous, sexylicious mysterious hunk of man-meat that was Zuko that when she was getting ready to meet him at the end of the day, she almost missed her cellphone ringing. She quickly grabbed it and answered, "Hello?"

"_Hello, Katara_," greeted a mysterious voice through the phone's speaker. "_I'm calling about the program we requested._"

Katara gasped. ('Gasped' is a very good word. It's a word you will be using frequently and most likely inappropriately.) _What? But why?_ The program wasn't due for another four weeks. "Aren't you calling a little early?" she asked.

"_So I am,_" he agreed pleasantly, but Katara wouldn't be fooled by his tone. This person and his organization were bad. "_We just want to make sure there aren't any problems._"

Katara frowned. Was the organization questioning her ability? "Of course not," she replied. "Your program will be completed and delivered on time."

"_Good. I'll call you again later._" The line went dead.

Katara sighed. She hated dealing with those people. The sooner she completed this project, the sooner she would be done with them. For a while, anyway. They always came calling again soon.

**How mysterious! Now **_**that**_** was a brilliantly placed plot. Mysterious plots are very important because they hook your reader into continuing your fic, even if they hate everything else about it. By throwing in scenes like this from time to time, you can string your readers along for **_**months**_**. They'll keep hoping that your plot will unfold into something awesome and epic enough to make up for all the time they've wasted following your story and caving to your ransom notes. (But you owe them **_**nothing**_**. You hear me? Just sit back and soak up the praise.)**

**Step 13: Your romance isn't complete without competition. But don't worry, this part is easy. Just grab a convenient male character and make him the bad guy. **

Katara was on her way to the gate when a lanky figure stopped her with a hand on her arm.

"Katara, baby," he greeted, smiling around the blade of grass sticking out of his mouth. (Bet you didn't see this coming.)

Katara gasped (remember what I said about this word?) and frowned at the boy who grabbed her. "Jet," she spat, yanking her arm free.

Jet covered his heart with his hand, feigning hurt at her cold reaction to him. "Hey, now," he admonished. "I just want to talk with you."

"We have nothing to talk about," Katara all but snarled. Like hell she was ever giving Jet the time of day again. Not since she found out that he'd been cheating on her. (Always cheating. Always.)

"Look, babe, I'm sorry. You know I—"

"—am a giant asshole. Yeah, I do know that," Katara completed for him. "And don't call me babe."

She attempted to duck around him, but he stopped her.

"Fine, fine. But let me make it up to you. I managed to get tickets for the Slipknot concert this weekend. I know how much you wanted see them live."

"Not with you," she said firmly, trying to circumvent him once more.

**Step 14: Refer back to steps 8-10.**

Again, Jet stopped her. "Katara—"

A strong arm appeared between them, holding Jet back. Katara followed the arm and gasped (Man, we are great at this!) when she saw none other than Zuko standing there, staring Jet down fiercely. "She said no," he stated coolly. (Rawr.)

Jet spat out his grass and looked Zuko up and down with a scowl. "Who the fuck are you?"

"None of your business," Zuko dismissed him easily. "Come on, Katara. Let's get out of here."

Katara nodded quickly and allowed Zuko to lead her away toward the school gate.

**Sudden perspective switch!**

Jet watched them go, inwardly steaming. _I will have you back, Katara,_ he promised silently. _And that fucker will pay. _

**Moar switching!**

"Are you okay?" Zuko asked, concerned for his new friend. "He didn't hurt you, did he?"

Katara wiped a tear from her eye. (Why is she crying? I honestly can't explain this. I just know it's something I'm required to include as a badfic writer.) "Yeah, I'm fine. Dealing with him just makes me so angry."

"Who is he?" the scarred teen asked curiously.

"Ex-boyfriend. I caught him cheating on me so I broke up with him. He's just an asshole."

Zuko's expression hardened. "Cheaters are the worst. My dad cheated on my mom. I never forgave him." (Funny how they always pick the one thing Ozai _isn't_ canonically guilty of to establish him as a bad guy in these types of fics.)

Katara gasped. (God, we are on _fire!_) "That's awful!"

Zuko shrugged. "I don't talk to him much." He segued then. "Anyway, I'm sorry for prying into your personal life. Let's forget about all that uncool stuff by having ice cream at my place while I show you what I've been working on."

Katara nodded and smiled brightly. "Awesome. I hope you have Rocky Road!"

* * *

Okay, you're tired of writing now, and since you're basically god, you can end this wherever the hell you want. Honestly, your readers are lucky they got more than a thousand words out of you. You're such a nice person.

In fact, you're so nice that, really, they should appreciate you more. After all, other authors are getting _way_ _more_ than twenty reviews per chapter. Let's up the ransom a bit. Try this for your 3rd chapter hostage note:

**Wow! You guys are really so wonderful. Your comments are what keep me writing. ;) ^_~ ;3 **

**But I've noticed that there are lots of fics that get 60+ reviews per chapter, so this time I want to get at least 30. I work really hard to put out these chapters, so please show that you care by doing your part to support me! **

Oooh, yes. That's the good stuff. Don't just beg for reviews, guilt your readers into feeling like they owe you. Just watch out, because some readers are jerks and will get mad at you for doing this. But you can ignore them. Haters gonna hate.

Happy writing, and I'll see you again in part 4! (A million tons of maybe)

* * *

**Real Author's Note:**

My god, I continued this again. I even gave it a plot. I must really be a masochist.

Sorry if this chapter seemed kind of boring. I threw it together in the two hours between classes today.

Thank you so much to the people who offered suggestions for this guide. I'll try to work in as many of them as I can. (If I continue, that is. I really don't know how much more my soul can take.)


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